That Which Lingers
by Hiasobi
Summary: The years pass, Hikaru grows and seeks his answer. Sai's gone but his shadow remains. [ ghost of a ghost ] Sai. Shindou Hikaru. And the degrees by which they are [not] seperated.
1. That Which Lingers

**Title:** That Which Lingers  
**Rating:** PG  
**Summery:** The years pass, Hikaru grows and seeks his answer. Sai's gone but his shadow remains. [ghost of a ghost]

Note: I don't own _Hikaru no Go_. Inspired by a panel in the manga.

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**That Which Lingers**

At eleven Hikaru is lazy, selfish, and clueless. He plays soccer and fails tests. His mom cuts his allowance as punishment and he sneaks off to his grandpa's for treats after school. He's shorter than Akari and more energetic than anyone else around. He finds a go board in the attic of his grandparents house and meets his first ghost.

At twelve Hikaru enters Haze Junior High. He is a little bit arrogant and willful. He joins the Go club and he is still selfish, he doesn't want to see Touya until he can beat him. Sai watches over him with a childish demeanor and old-time wisdom.

At thirteen Hikaru walks into the Go Institute as an amateur and walks out as an Insei. He is overconfident and brash. He meets Waya and Isumi for the first time and sees them not but for stepping-stones towards his goal. His eyes look forward towards Touya.

At thirteen-and-a-half, Hikaru stumbles. He looks at Class One of the Insei Institute and fears for the first time, if he might not be able to make it. His eyes cloud over as he sees the distance between him and Touya clearly for the first time.

At fourteen Hikaru takes the pro exam. He is a bit nervous and confused but also determined. Sai stands by his side and he walks the first step into the world of pros, both taking it by storm.

At fourteen-and-a-bit Hikaru makes Akira finally turn to see him again. He is eager and resolute. The two boys are narrowing their sights until all they see is the each other. From above, unknown to him, Sai counts down the days until they will separate.

At halfway to fifteen Hikaru loses Sai. He is confused and stubborn. He goes searching from Tokyo to Hiroshima to Inno Island and back to Tokyo to where he started. He looks and looks and looks but finds no trace. He shouts to the Heavens and scours the Earth, but Sai is gone.

Fourteen-and-three-quarters Hikaru is faded. He is tired and it hurts. He tucks the goban and the go stones away in the corner. He stops going to games and the study group and the go salon. He stops playing with Waya and chasing after Touya. He stops smiling and even talking gets hard. He starts searching and crying and apologizing – he slowly crumbles from the inside out.

At fifteen Hikaru is playing go again. He is strong and unbending. His fingers dances across the goban and the stones form complicated patterns. From above he stares down into the universe he creates with his own hands and searches to connect the far past with the far future. He is going to make Ko YongHa eat his words.

Fifteen-and-a-half Hikaru plays and plays and plays. One game after another and another and another. He is sharp and focused. The Go world can't ignore his presence and those before him either tremble to fall or hold on tightly with everything they have. He is silent and serious in front of the goban and while the world looks at him, he looks within his Go.

At almost sixteen Hikaru cracks a little. Falls a little. The hole inside that he thought he had covered up is still wide open. He looks over his shoulder with a victorious smile to see the faces of surrounding pros. He opens the door to his empty room with ramblings of the day halfway out his mouth. He ponders the simple day-to-day life's confusing questions in his mind and pauses.

Sixteen-and-a-month Hikaru puts his career on hold. He packs his bag with a smile to his friends and a well thought out good-bye to his family. He goes off to travel with all the money he has saved up. He visits the shrines and temples and city attractions. He laughs and smiles and talks to himself. He sends postcards back to Tokyo and travels alone. He moves from place to place before anyone can catch up to him or contact him. He walks down the path and lets the loneliness seep in.

Nearing seventeen brings Hikaru to a standstill. He is travel worn and weary. He's seen the world and traveled to foreign places. He's tasted exotic foods and been chased after by beautiful women. He sits in a deserted cemetery at night in front of a grave with a goban and places stone after stone. Black. White. Black. White.

Black. White.

He plays games from long ago, games from memories, and games from what he wished could have been. His nails are worn down and bitten. His fingers are callous but sensitive. When his head bows lower and lower and he can't take it anymore, he tilts it back and screams.

"Why?" He stands and shouts at the Heavens. "Why did you take him away?"

At nearing seventeen going on a thousand, Hikaru is angry and bitter. The frustration churns like a ball of fire inside and the weight of failure crushes his shoulders. He finds the memories acid on his tongue because he never had something to hold onto and the emptiness won't go away.

"You gave me a soul!" He cries. "I took him _in_! He was a _part_ of me! And you took him _away!_"

It's a few years down the road from where he started and when he started searching. There's a void inside of him he thought he could fill with enough time and care. There's a piece of him missing he thought he could someday replace or someday regrow. There are cracks on his person where Sai used to be and used to fill up. Now he's growing dry and turning into dust. The wind carries off pieces of him.

It's a few years down the line and the Heavens realize what they have done to him: unintentionally and unwittingly, but done all the same. He's on his hands and knees and tears running down his face. He reaches for the scattered black and white stones desperately. It starts to rain and he feels like drowning.

"If Sai's love for Go was enough to keep him here and Tarojiro's love was enough to anchor him again, then shouldn't my love for Sai have brought him back? Shouldn't his love for Go and me kept him here? Shouldn't love have been enough?"

It's a couple of years later than when he started but the Heavens finally give him an answer.

At seventeen Hikaru's hair is long and luscious. It reaches to his waist and a little beyond. He ties it with an elastic band below his shoulder blades and his features are soft and sharp. His eyes are clear and mouth delicate. His ears are pierced and adorned with ruby stones. When he walks it's with a grace like he's almost floating.

His family and friends who come to pick him up from the train station barely recognize this man at all as the one they know. They all stand uncertain as the youth approaches them. When he's in front of them, one hand holding the strap of the travel bag slung over his shoulder, hips tilted, wearing white pants and a black t-shirt with the number five in front; he smiles, and it is luminous.

. : _the answer inside me is clear_ : .


	2. Existence

**Title:** That Which Lingers : Existence  
**Rating:** PG  
**Summery:** Sai. Shindou Hikaru. And the degrees by which they are (not) separated. Sequel to **That Which Lingers**

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Touya Akira is a cultivated genius. He is a refined gem, shining brightly in the light. His father has taught him Go since he was two years old. He is a well-known prodigy in the Go world. His father, Touya Kouyo, is patient and smart and taught Akira everything he knows.

Akira has always looked up to his father and had set him as the goal he would one-day achieve. He is very intelligent for his age and although that singled him out, he hadn't minded it too much. His life was nice, comfortable, and orderly.

And then one day when he is eleven, a child growing to be set in his way, Shindou Hikaru walks into his life. Shindou turns the whole world upside down on him and makes him reconsider almost everything he has known. It's the first time Akira sees that the world might cultivate more like him. That he is not alone on the pinnacle.

Shindou at age twelve escapes from him and Akira chases after this boy, this enigma, with everything he has. Shindou is energetic and animated where he is calm and collected. Though they are different Akira sees in him someone who might understand.

Months later he is disappointed and turns away. He walks away from Shindou but leaves the trail for him to follow, pushing the loneliness away, wishing inside to be proven wrong. A year later Shindou walks the path he has tread.

For the next while Shindou and he fights it out, in their hearts with themselves, and with those around them. Later, finally they stand next to each other again. They are the pinnacles; Akira will not accept anything else. He will also accept no one else.

They are all right for a while: studying together, playing games, bumping into each other around town, and hanging together at celebrations. They move up in levels and in the world. But then Shindou slips.

His game levels are the same but sometimes he will look sad and sometimes his body will be with them but his mind would be somewhere else. Shindou becomes preoccupied with something but no amount of encouragement can get it out of him. A few months later Shindou shows up with a duffle bag over his shoulder and announces that he is going traveling.

And thus, a year and a half passes. Letters and photos come in the mail frequently at first but then slow down. Then they get a short letter once every few weeks about where he's been or maybe just a postcard. Shindou keeps moving place to place, never staying long enough for mail to reach him or to have a phone number for them to call. He spoke to them from payphones and hotels - if at all.

Months passed while they continued to get the occasional information from him but they never get a chance to let him know what was happening back in Tokyo. All they could do was wait while he searches, Akira knows he's searching for something, and wait even longer for him to come back.

When they finally get the news of his return, Akira breathes a sigh of relief. He won't be alone again.

But it's different this time.

It's been several days since Shindou has come back and Akira still can't forget the sight of the young man who walked up to him in the train station that day. He had barely recognized him. So much had changed in a year. Lengthy black with blue highlights hair. Long and delicate fingers grasping at the strap. The small ruby drops in his ears gleaming in the light as he turned. The look in his eyes - clear and filled with certainty.

And the way he moved, weaving through the crowd as if he was feather light. The soft smile on his face as his eyes passed over familiar sights. The gentle touch of his hand as the pads of his fingers lingered over every surface.

A week passes and all their friends and associates plan parties and get-togethers to welcome the prodigy back. And every time his appearance sends indiscernible waves through Akira. There is something there in the new occasional indulgent smile and shining eyes.

The Shindou that has come back is different than the one Akira remembers. He loves sashimi and ramen. Vending machines and planes flying overhead fascinate him. He grins cheekily at the mention of a game. He smiles knowingly as Fujisaki blushes in front of him. He lives on his own and has a part time job. He is loud and whines and gets on people's nerves. There is an unconscious grace in his movements and he reads classical literature.

" Has he always been like this?" Waya asks him weeks later half confused, half wondering.

" No." Akira replies.

This person who has come back is almost like a different person than the one they knew. He is very similar to the Shindou that had been there a year and a half ago but there are instances where things feel different. Akira watches for the flashes of uncertainty he feels and he waits.

Waya only reaffirms his thoughts and he asks a select few if they feel anything as well. Ichikawa-san tells him that it's been a year and a half and it's not written anywhere people have to stay the same. Shindou has gone away and traveled, experienced things, grew up a bit while he was away - of course he would have had to change some bit.

He bites his lips and wonders if that is what had happened. He chooses to accept the statement and things go back to normal. He avoids looking at Shindou unless he has to, and he concentrates on the color of his eyes and the way he speaks his words as opposed the change in the length of his hair and the slight tilt of his mouth.

For a while everything is all right again between them, and Akira ignores the flashes of change that he sees and feels and just waits until Shindou is back to the Shindou that he knows. They play games, discuss strategies, and yell and scream at each other when they get on the other's nerves.

Everything is all right until the day Akira notices that he's watching Shindou again for the flashes of change and he's not ignoring them anymore, but storing them away for future reference and tries piecing them together to solve the puzzle. Like that time years ago, the answer eludes him and Akira wonders when or if he would ever solve the enigma that is Shindou Hikaru.

One day, after a game in his father's Go Salon as they clean up the stones, he sits and stares at the one in front of him. Shindou looks back at him with calm eyes and a tilted head, a red drop bright against his ear lobe, hands holding the fan lightly. Looking into the green eyes he boldly states, "You've changed."

"I know." Shindou replies, and smiles like he used to and shrugs like he used to.

Akira nods and because Shindou knows, he's satisfied, for now. He can wait a bit longer for the answer, because Shindou promised he would tell him one day, and he will get his answer.

So he and Waya and maybe a few more people who have noticed continue on and live and let the days pass. Shindou has changed but he himself knows it, so it'll be all right. Things will work out in the end and Akira will have his answer when time comes. They put it behind them and life moves on.

Unnoticed, Sai reappears on the Internet.

_. : i want to know about you : ._


End file.
